/letter/ - Letter Thread

Letter thread. Bitch and seethe to people who won't ever hear you whining.

I'm kicking off the first letter to Jordan Pavlov, aka Vlad Daniel Pavlov, it would be totally based if you sent me a message sometime. Thanks!
-You know who.

Boy, I fucking tell you man, you just sit back and think of all those choices wasted, and it just eats a motherfucker up inside.

AH

I will sit around and wait until I'm on my deathbed. Still going to be loving you. Never stopped. Never could stop.

i failed and broke last night

In what regard, anon?

/letter/

Sacrilege...

in what regard do you think, anon?

As long as the catalog search finds it...

Did you cry? You don't have to be so evasive anymore, you can just say it if that's what you want.

no, i was weak and broke my vow of celibacy

It's okay! It's not the end of the world. If you feel strongly about it then I encourage you to keep trying. I would also add I think that if it's something bringing you turmoil, and misery then it probably isn't a good idea to have it be tied in with your faith anyway? Most people who are living as such are completely removed from ALL such stimuli to begin with. So you're kind of setting yourself up for failure you know? You are surrounded by such things, on pretty much all fronts. It's okay to feel those things given your circumstances. I think you're very strong for resisting those things, and it's admirable. I just wouldn't view it as a test of your devotion or faith to God at all. Your connection with God is not going to be severed/weakened because you did a "bad thing".

Again, fear is not going to help you. Being afraid of such thoughts, and shutting them out won't really help. However, keeping them to yourself and not going overboard with it is fine, and healthy. You are human. It's okay. It comes with the territory. God always understands. It's just God is probably shaking his head at you as you writhe around in your bed like a horny little monster. Torturing yourself unironically is probably making you hornier anyway. So you're really your own worst enemy here. So cut that out dork. You don't want to be orgasming during prayer anyway.

By my own admission I was definitely crazy back then. Way too crazy to be out in the world. But I think, as crazy as it sounds, it might just mean something that I was able to do what I did. That I was able to actualize doing that awful, disgusting thing that I did to you that day. It validated the depth for which I was obsessed with you. Love is impossible to quantify, but deep inside I know that those feelings I had for you back then and even now (Of Love), were real. I wasn't smitten, merely obsessed or in puppy love. I loved you to pieces. Every day from the time I've met you, to when the time I've woken up today, I've been deeply in love with you. It never changes and it never fluxes, you've been on my mind since the day I first looked at you. You're beautiful.

The fact that these feelings have lasted for almost 4 years now, it validates to me that I wasn't just in some psychotic or over emotional state when I said that I loved you, truly truly loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. The fact that I can't go to bed without remember the awful things that I did to you and others. The fact that I still have the guilt.

That I was able to love you so much originally, before it was twisted, that not being able to have you, or to be good enough for you, was enough to drive me to the brink and actually go through with it and do it, do the time, do the paper, finish the paper...

1/2

2/2

You must have really meant a lot to me. You did and you do. You always will. I've made peace that I'll die wishing that you were by my side. I've made peace with it, after 4 years of therapy and medications and everything else it just never changes. I can talk here now legally, so I'll yell here a little more transparently.

Beyond the awful physical pain that you endured, I'm sorry that you had to look at me as the one thing you literally tried to stop me from becoming. You tried to push me away so I wouldn't become attached, so I wouldn't get hurt. And I was reduced into this anyway.

I don't feel bad about that happening to me. I would have chosen you over anyone in the world anytime, anywhere, and it never would've changed.

I will always love you.

I earned this didn't I? Making you feel that, to see that, for all the things I've put you through, and there were a lot of things, way more than I could ask any best friend to deal with.

I miss you, I've missed you every day. I hope you're happy, enjoying yourself somewhere, able to smile.

it's typically such a non-issue. it's not that a see it as a test of devotion or faith, more one of will. i know that it doesn't harm my relationship with god to have moments of weakness, but i have my principles. so it's not so much an issue of fear, but one of embarrassment and frustration

Torturing yourself

as if i didn't see those last few posts this morning

Some people torture themselves for lifetimes.

haha yeah. i will find you, ashley, and when i do..

I just think it's so crazy that despite all the therapy, the help, the alone time, the psychiatric care, the separation, you still pretty much define my life. I've tried replacing you but it's impossible, you're truly irreplaceable. I can't even remember what you look like really, but I remember your voice really well. The ways you'd say things like "dunno", your brown hair, your eyes. Your mannerisms.

And it's been so long, and I still miss you so much, and you're so irreplaceable. The most irreplaceable person I've ever met. The only person who I've ever made a genuine human connection with, who didn't see me as a husk, and look at how I treated you, look at how I got consumed with not being able to be with you. My jealousy, my rage, my violence, my stupidity.

Northern California. As far away from the southeast as I can be.

it's typically such a non-issue.

Like everything in life things come in waves. When things are calm enjoy it. If you're having persistent, invasive, graphic thoughts I would listen to your body, and contemplate why they're happening to begin with? Ignoring, or trying to shut out such strong feelings like that won't help you any. Regardless of how you choose to address them they should be addressed. Ideally sooner rather than later.

more one of will. i know that it doesn't harm my relationship with god to have moments of weakness, but i have my principles.

I understand. If it's something you feel strongly about just pick yourself back up, and keep at it. I think limiting exposure to things that potentially turn you on will help. That takes serious effort..

but one of embarrassment and frustration

Ideally these are not fueling it to begin with? I can see a cycle starting to form..

as if i didn't see those last few posts this morning

I seriously doubt those did anything, but that's a funny thought. Just a little payback. You're a lot like me. If I find you have some sort of weakness I'm going to hone in on it, and rub it in your face. Partially because it's funny, but also because I like to watch you squirm a little bit. I'm sure neither of us are turned on during these exchanges obviously. I mean could you imagine? That'd be so fucked up.

And, that is genuine, true, unconditional love. It loves wholly and truly, without requesting anything in return.

Nothing makes it more crystal clear than this: Even if you wanted to be able to have those feelings for my betterment, it was simply impossible for you to have them. And just like that, it's impossible for me to have an absence of feelings that would allow me to not keep coming back here and writing.

I wish I had listened. I wish I didn't smother people, had better trust skills, was more empathetic, socially understanding. Competent...

no, you're right, this is a pattern of fixation and i just need to.. i don't know.. stop being so mentally ill i guess. it doesn't help that 'addressing' things doesn't bring any relief and invariably just sets me on a knife's edge for days. it's exhausting. with the limiting exposure to triggers thing, that can be difficult, as half the time the stuff that winds up getting to me comes out of left field because it's mundane shit that my brain just suddenly latches onto differently and finds arousing, especially when im already in a heightened state. i do avoid known triggers, though

I can see a cycle starting to form

oh shut up. im not some subby cuck that gets off to humiliation

the rest of that

i hate you so much it's fucking unreal (said through gritted teeth and with the love, light, and compassion of christ)

I don't think I should draw these parallels but it really almost makes sense.

I think it makes sense.

no, you're right, this is a pattern of fixation and i just need to.. i don't know.. stop being so mentally ill i guess.

I mean, I don't know what these fixations are? I also don't expect you to want to talk about them openly. I also understand why you might not want to discuss them with me personally. I'd be willing to listen, and exclude certain things from the "shit posting" pool of topics if you feel that's something that could benefit you. Maybe I'm retarded for thinking this, but I feel like if I had some genuine shit that I was going through that I was confiding to you about you wouldn't use it against me later. So I'm just reciprocating that courtesy back to you.

it doesn't help that 'addressing' things doesn't bring any relief and invariably just sets me on a knife's edge for days.

I can't really comment, because I don't really know what you mean by "addressing" them. All I can say is if the same stuff isn't working you got to do something different. Simple as.

it's exhausting.

My heart goes out to you. All jokes aside that sounds torturous. I am sorry.

with the limiting exposure to triggers thing, that can be difficult, as half the time the stuff that winds up getting to me comes out of left field because it's mundane shit that my brain just suddenly latches onto differently and finds arousing

I really have no clue what those things can be, and again probably not something you'd want to share understandably so.

im not some subby cuck that gets off to humiliation

Never said you were.. Well, at least 80% of that anyway. There can be a little bit of fun when you know how to push someone's buttons extremely well, and making it known to them you can, and will do so. Doesn't make you all of that.

i hate you so much it's fucking unreal

Yesterday you were telling me you love me so which is it? I only say that when I mean it.. Some things I just don't joke about.

I'm not who you're quoting, but some of this stuff is just too relatable for me not to be annoying and chime in on . I hope you forgive me.

fixations

Just her. Everything about her.

wouldn't use it against me later.

I could never do anything like that at this point, I feel.

it doesn't help that 'addressing' things doesn't bring any relief and invariably just sets me on a knife's edge for days.

This is 100% to a tee what I experience. The lack of absolute finality makes it impossible to ever walk away feeling "better" or having "resolution" but it brings some kind of half "peace" that just makes you want to lay down and be frustrated with yourself.

with the limiting exposure to triggers thing, that can be difficult, as half the time the stuff that winds up getting to me comes out of left field because it's mundane shit that my brain just suddenly latches onto differently and finds arousing

Just anything that reinforces that it really is a message for me.

So many things. You'll be walking around and it's just. You feel it. And you know you're crazy for feeling it and it's humiliating and exhausting because you want more than anything in the world for it to be real. You look at every post over and over again for some clue desperate that you didn't overlook something. You want more than your whole everything to just have some connection with them again. Obsession.

Other stuff is self explanatory. Just uncanny how similar it is.

You're good. So long as you're not accusing me of weird schizo shit. I don't really have anything to add because I don't know anything about your situation.

I'm currently looking into a couple of prosumer level gantry style CNC mills for working on wood and aluminum and I'm currently torn between the Shapeoko 5 Pro and the AtlMill MK2. The OneFinity looked like a good candidate as it is more friendly towards customization by the user but I don't really like the mechanical design of it. It looks like it's designed by software engineers that are familiar with 3D-printers but don't have a machining background. I really dislike that it comes without a machined bed and has to be made "square" in the assembly process when the motion system is screwed down to a wood desk. I saw a video that compared the stiffness of the frames by manually deflecting the spindle and the OneFinity moved around like a wet noodle, lel. Total boner killer. They have active steppers (so basically servos), which is great but what use is that if the frame is twisting around under any kind of load? So the OneFinity is definitely out just because of their retarded mechanical engineering.
The AltMill looks like a much more solid build that comes with its own table / legs, so the users don't have to buy an extra table. Another plus is the compatibility of the software. The Shapeoko has no Linux support whatsoever (M$ and Mac only), which isn't a deal breaker by any means since I have access to both but I still prefer to work on Linux machines and the software for the AltMill supports a Raspberry Pi so should be able to run on any machine, which is a huge plus. I don't plan to tinker much with the machine itself but it's good to have the option. One huge plus of the Shapeoko is that the machine comes with their free CAM software that is compatible to the machine out of the box. I have to check how the AltMill fairs in that regard.
So glad I didn't fall for that noodle-design, lel.

Yeah. Mike was doing that to me earlier today and it was funny because it's just like so obvious to me that he has nothing to do with it, and only after getting on discord and explaining the coincidence would he concede that I wasn't his person. lol, no harm done I guess, but I've probably gotten that delusional myself. When you have this mental illness it's probably pretty common. I just went along with it prove it to him, it put us both at ease in the end.

That's exceptionally kind of you. I really don't know anything about him, but I know he's going through it. I usually pop in to talk to my secret person, and to read the drama that unfolds. Hope you have a wonderful day.

You're laughing at me so hard. Aren't you?

the fixation being on these waves, where this feels far more tumultuous than calm. im used to a certain eveness, so when that changes, it throws me off kilter and i don't always respond to that in the right headspace
by addressing things not bringing relief, i mean that i masturbation doesn't come with release or a letting off of that pressure and mostly just leaves me feeling more frantic than had i simply abstained. i really only have the those two options so 'do something different' isn't really viable
i obviously don't hate you, idiot, im just throwing attitude and being a bitch

Asked for insight:
Talk About the Past genius.com/The-wake-talk-about-the-past-lyrics

Life Less Frightening g.co/kgs/8w9Pjry

If I Run genius.com/Voxhaul-broadcast-if-i-run-lyrics

I never conceded.
It is as it is and I accept that.
As long as I'm honest it all works out in the end.

I'm actually pretty depressed right now, I can assure you, you aren't my person by your own admission. You said you don't have her name. I do wish you were my person, that'd be great, trust me it would have me over the world if you were, but you aren't.

Alright, just checked out the gSender software and it's open source (yuuuge plus) and is in active development by a team that are clearly using their own machines. It's really sad to say this but there are so many products out there that are build by people that don't give a shit about their own products as they don't use them themselves so it takes ages for software issues to get fixed. It's really good to see that the team that builds the AltMill are confident enough about their software to work on it open source, so there are more eyes on the code and allows dedicated users to help fix issues themselves and make things better for everyone doing so.
Gonna check out their yt content to get to know their team / products a bit better and they seem to have some fun stuff on there.
I think the AltMill will get my business as their hardware looks solid, the software is open and looks really user friendly and the team makes a good impression so far.

What are you building specifically? Sounds interesting.

he's only taking issue with the general concept of him conceding, as he's very particular about words, not that there was indeed a case of misunderstanding and mistaken identity on his part

I see that now. Sorry about that.

Post the intials of your person please

JP, formerly VDV

JP, formerly VDP, I'm stupid.

the fixation being on these waves, where this feels far more tumultuous than calm.

Then something's going on that's not normal. I guess start thinking about when this all really started? As in what may have caused that to begin with, or what factors are contributing to it. Find the cause/diagnose, then treat accordingly.

by addressing things not bringing relief, i mean that i masturbation doesn't come with release or a letting off of that pressure

Then whatever is causing these things goes beyond simple lust. Whatever has a grip on you must be of some significance.

just leaves me feeling more frantic than had i simply abstained.

I think part of that might just be the feelings of frustration, and embarrassment. You, and I both know those feelings aren't good ones, and associating them with said act will rob you of the small amount of relief you would of ever received in the first place. Do you feel masturbation by itself is wrong? I don't think it is, I just think like everything in life there has to be a balance. Time, and place for everything so to speak. With that, I don't think the time is "never", and the place "nowhere"..

i really only have the those two options so 'do something different' isn't really viable

Not true. You can always do something different. The act of abstaining or not won't, but your perception/feelings of it can. Which I think needs to be the focus, because that's where it's coming from to begin with, and probably not helping you in the grand scheme of things.

i obviously don't hate you, idiot

I don't think you hate me at all. I just don't want to contribute to your psychological anguish in any capacity. I don't know where I fall with that so I'm trying to gauge accordingly.

im just throwing attitude and being a bitch

You know exactly how to get me to be nice to you among other things.. I think you need to re-evaluate how you view masturbation. I think you're psyching yourself out, and causing these fixations to begin with.

I didn't read the rest of the posts above.
No sense in that.

Great great grand SON

HER

Quite the opposite in fact. To concede means theres an opportunity to grow and learn. I don't have that often and am thankful when it happens.

I am not conceding because:
1.) I do not have any trust in your words

2.) what has been said here (if your words, if not they still stand established just unclaimed) greatly establish more than what you said, the state is a 1/51 chance. Combined with what has been said here look at the probability.

3.) what's the point? Why should I dwell and care in the first place?
The time and energy is better placed elsewhere, trusting that I'll get to where 'we' need to be naturally from the unseen.