Managed to talk to a pretty girl at a bar last night and got her number. only thing is...

I can't pretend to be confident. It just doesn't work for me. Also she obviously just wants more weed from you.

I can't pretend to be confident. It just doesn't work for me.

Yes. Yes you can. You literally just have to not care and do it. It's not even about having a positive attitude within yourself, or being optimistic, you just need to literally not care and fake it all on the outside. If you do that you're golden.

Also she obviously just wants more weed from you.

Honestly it's all speculative but I can still hope it was genuine. It seemed genuine. She told me a little about herself. But nobody has the ability to read other people's minds so who knows at the end of the day.

When I say it doesn't work for me what I mean is what you just said makes absolutely no sense and I have no idea how to put this into practice. The fact I even have to think about it is what's wrong with me.

You have emotions, right? Ok well, you can allow yourself to feel those emotions, but you don't allow yourself to become invested in them. You have to think of them as fleeting, and you have to intellectualize all aspects of what is going on. Be logical. You see for me I kinda have an added worldview that helps me put meaning on my mental pain as well, so that helps. But regardless just like semi-depersonalize, but not like fully as in like being mentally ill, just in an intellectual way. Being aware of the emotions you have, but not indulging in them, being almost apathetic in a way. It's cliche as fuck but just go with the flow. Go. With. The. Flow.

I do that. Nothing ever happens to me.

Damn brooo that's super fucked. You wanna jack my hard on off until it's soft to get you a quick victory in the morning ? Good morning too bro. I'm harder than a bale of diamonds

When the thought pops in your head "Hey, that girl is cute, maybe I should offer her a drink." Just do it. You can give yourself a moment to mentally prepare, and then, you just do it. If she says no, or declines any further advances, then whatever, it doesn't matter, because you're not being optimistic, you're not setting up your expectations, you don't care. You. Don't. Care. At the end of the day, if you get rejected, it doesn't matter at all, nobody will remember it. If you don't get rejected, well then good for you, keep going with it. You have to allow yourself to do these things. You need to allow your feet to walk over to her, you need to allow your mouth to speak the words in your brain, and you need to allow yourself to be confident in appearance. Just fucking pretend. It's not that hard. Trust me it's not. You're just getting too much in your head. Look I've been in your shoes, I know. I have suffered from major depressive disorder and social anxiety all my life. I get it. But just be fucking Stoic. Whatever happens, happens.

If I didn't actually care then I wouldn't do it. I get what you're saying but it just doesn't work on me.

No girl is going to appear out of thin air for you if you do nothing. It takes some work. Everything in life takes work. It sucks. I hate working. But you have to do it if you want happiness. Life is pain, you can redeem your pain though and turn it into something new.

No girl is going to appear out of thin air for you if you do nothing

I went to a music festival last night. Headline band wasn't my favorite but I got unthinkably close to the stage by the time they were setting up so I just stayed. I was standing behind a girl who was talking to another girl on her left and it came up that she was there alone. There was another guy there alone on her right. Guess who she left with?

Because you didn't allow yourself to act. You need to act. Think of yourself as a ghost in a machine, detached from the outside, yet still able to influence it, but understanding that what other people think is meaningless, even the girl you're going after. You know who you are. You know your intentions. They don't. What matter is what you can control.

He didn't act. He was just standing there by random chance and she appeared out of thin air. What would me acting look like?

Oh I'm here alone too

Great way to get thrown out and probably arrested.

You know your intentions. They don't.

And obviously she knows my intentions or at least knows what she thinks they are. As soon as the band walked off they had each other's phone in their hand swapping numbers. Either the royal you can't fake this level of existence, or I can't. Either way it's over for me personally.

Why would you get thrown out? Unless you're acting creepy, how would that happen? If you're at a place with drinks, just offer a drink. Say, "Hey are you here alone? Can I offer you a drink?" Or say, "Hey, this music is really cool. Do you want to get closer to the stage and dance together?" Something alone those lines. Whatever. Say it with a firm, confident voice, look sociable, and pretend. It's all about playing pretend.

My friend, your emotions are not a core part of you. They are faculties that arise out of your sensitive appetite, but it is your intellect and it is your will that are your core identity. That's my worldview at least. Part of overcoming pain is learning to damp your emotions. Feel them. Experience them. But understand what they are. They're sensations of the mind, the same way sight, taste, touch, etc. are sensations of the body. They are the way in which you experience reality, but they aren't reality itself. Your judgements of those sensations are affecting the way in which you view reality. But those judgements may be wrong. They could be right. But even so, whether you judge them to be good or bad, true or false, at the end of the day, you are a fallible human person, as we all are. You do human things. And you need to allow yourself to be human. You need to allow yourself to form something for your pain. Redeem it.

Unless you're acting creepy, how would that happen?

Hello human resources?
I'm telling you I cannot pretend to be like this if I'm not actually emotionally invested in the outcome. The last time I was I actually was confident in ways I had never considered possible and it was working up until she already had a bf. But it didn't feel like an act. This just sounds like PUA.

Next time take a photo of her phone number.

It's not pick up artistry. I don't recommend making this some sort of habit to get sex. I'm giving you social advice, my friend. This is what works for me. Alas, I get it, it might not work for everybody. But I do hear you, and I recognize the same pathology in all of us, the same one which clouds our judgements. Please, take a step back, don't be contrarian for a moment, and really just consider it. Try it. Just once, try it. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work. But meditate on it. And just give it a go. Think of it as an experiment.

Knowing what I'm not capable of and what has never worked for me isn't contrarianism. What I need is for my life to just happen to me in ways I see it work out for everyone else it works out for. The last time I went to a bar for the sake of going to a bar I did see a cute girl I would have liked to talk to. You know what happened when I went to buy a drink? She disappeared. This happened because I'm me. This would not have happened to the other guy.

This happened because I'm me. This would not have happened to the other guy.

Textbook case catastrophizing. It's a cognitive distortion. It didn't happen because you're you. You're not the center of the universe. You're not being singled out and persecuted by some exterior force. I don't think you're really listening to what I'm trying to communicate to you here. You have wrongly assumed that your emotional experiences are your essence. They're not. You have made a false judgement about your own identity, whether knowingly or unknowingly. You cannot allow yourself to think this way. Fucking hell though, it's hard to explain this to people with depression. It was hard for me too. It took me a long, long, long time to come to terms with these facts. And I do still struggle with it. It doesn't just go away. So I get it. I'm not trying to invalidate your emotions, and I apologize if it seems like I was doing so earlier. But a little bit of tough love is needed sometimes. Stop mistaking your emotions for your essence. They're accidental to your essence, they're not essential properties of your core identity.

Let me tell you another story to explain how effort has nothing to do with it and everything is determined by circumstance. The only time I have ever come close to having sex as in we are in bed together was from a frat house party. It wasn't my house but I was friends (just from having been randomly assigned to live on the same dorm floor as them) with some of the guys who were so they'd invite me over. Towards the end of the night I got sneered at by a fat chick so I figured it's time to leave. As I was walking out a beer pong ball took a bad bounce off the table and landed at my feet. I picked it up and a cute doe eyed brunette who is exactly my type is there with her hand out. Five minutes of empty small talk later I was one condom away so let's just pretend I did have sex with her. She was going to fuck whoever was standing where I was. I didn't do anything. Life just happens to some people.

Wow, look at those digits

anyway, I 100% agree with you. The guy you're arguing with likely has just had too many negative experiences to see the truth of things. You miss every shot you don't take, whether it's romance, friendship, or work. Better to try and fail than not try at all. Not saying you have to be happy about it, but it's better to make an effort.

Hope my shitty explanation made sense...

My negative experiences are the truth. What does what happens to other people matter to me?

They're not though. Your mind is darkened, my friend. It's actually quite conceited of you to say that.

Better to try and fail than not try at all.

Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

How is what happens to me not the truth?

LMAO, what the hell happened, was she hot as shit?

Just kidding, don't delete the contact again, do whatever you can to get it back, if you can't save it, there's apps (you may have to pay) that'll turn your text or

I've just tried explaining it to you. You are making judgements about what is happening to you externally, drawing unsound inferences from them (in your case, the cognitive distortions that you, in particular, are being singled out by whatever that results in negative outcomes for you), and internalizing them cognitively. You may not know it, but you have actually created for yourself a negative worldview, and when things happen to you that you perceive to be negative, you're only confirming your own bias. You've identified your core person hood with your emotional experiences, you've extrapolated from them that is hindering your ability to continue to act, to try, to make an effort, and to be happy. It's why you won't take my advice. You see things as too black and white.

Yeah she was fairly pretty. Solid 6.5 or 7 out of 10. Not bad at all. Petite too. My type. I think she was happa honestly, her name was Asian, and her skin tone was slightly olive, but her facial structure was white. Probably half Filipina or something idk. She was really cute though.

unsound inferences

I think 33 years of living like this is enough evidence. I also think maybe the weed hasn't worn off yet. Take yourself for example. If she didn't smoke too you never would have gotten her number. This thread would not exist. What does pretending to be confident have to do with that? Two people with something in common naturally gravitated towards each other. This is how life really works.

You seem to have this weird hardline deterministic view about the world which I don't think necessarily follows from anything you've said about your experiences. How does it follow that just because you've had bad experiences that there is some weird force, whatever that might be for you idk, that is determining those outcomes for you? Like do you have an internally consistent way of even demonstrating that? Everyone gets rejected. Everyone has bad experiences. The difference is, you've internalized those experiences, and made that your entire theory of self. Your argument is essentially: "My entire essence is my emotional experience, my emotional experiences are always bad, therefore my entire essence is bad." But your emotions aren't your essence! Your emotions are not essential properties to you, as I've been trying to explain, my friend.

I believe in determinism because why else are the only times I've even come close to coming close completely due to what can only be described as random chance? Of course I've internalized my experiences. They're mine.

why else are the only times I've even come close to coming close completely due to what can only be described as random chance?

Perhaps it would've been better for me to say that you think this is your fate. But it's not. Or at least it doesn't have to be. I have given you tools for changing your perspective, in a way that would actually be in your best interest, that gives you a shot like it did for me. But you're right. I'm not you. I don't know the full extent of what you go through. But if you keep thinking this way you're only going to drown in your own emotional solipsism.