Im starting to regret saving my mom's life

Question

Im starting to regret saving my mom's life

mom's in a physically abusive relationship with my dad for 35 years

many violent incidents, she kept coming back

she wanted to live with this sick man, rather out of fear or love, even if it meant we were hurt in the process

father was emotionally abusive, neglectful, and at times physically intimidating to me, but only physical to her

she would dump on me as I was a kid, eventually felt the obligation to save her

dad basically moved out of the home and onto a shed on the property

practically begged my mom to leave him, she was depressed, he was becoming more insane and dangerous, and it was a completely unlivable circumstance

dad eventually got irate and we were forced to leave or die

I had physically attacked my dad to save my mom's life, I knew he was going to kill her if I didn't intervene

spent the next year basically walking my mom through her divorce

spending hours consoling her, guiding her, draining myself and not focusing on work for her sake

eventually it ends, they're split up after a lot of dragging out

I start pushing for us to get a home together, as equals, I want to take care of her and still do right by her

I want to put my money into the home, I want area of my own, but I know we can cooperate

she's not interested

she doesn't want my influence

she's decided for me it's "unwise" to wrap my money up in it

I'm offended after everything I did for her

she tells me that she never asked me to help her

anons, should I have just let her die in there? should I have just let her reap what she sowed? I wanted to build a life with her and, after all I did for her, I think I deserve to be seen as an equal. I don't want to leech off her, i want to continue to contribute, but she doesn't want me to have influence in her life. I feel used. I feel as though I should have left while I was still there and let her face my dad alone.

was it worth it? did i do the right thing? even if i did do the right thing, was it worth it to do the right thing?

she doesnt want my influence

If she says so, then let it be. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

she's decided for me it's "unwise" to wrap my money up in it

Tbf it could be unideal if she wanted to do something beyond the two of you on her own in the future (in which case it would be tricky to juggle the details when someone else (you) owns the house). This bit really just depends on her 100% so if she says it then so be it.

should I have just let her reap what she sowed?

You don't need to throw the baby out with the bath water. She may have needed help at first, but may not need help as much now that she is out of that situation. That being said I can still empathize that it might be better to have let them deal with the consequences of their own choices (choosing a violent man to marry and reproduce with).

With everything where it is now I would just learn to walk away from it. That doesn't mean you should cut her off completely but rather you should let her recollect herself so she can figure herself out (she is still a person with her own issues, too).

>I had physically attacked my dad to save my mom's life, I knew he was going to kill her if I didn't intervene

>spent the next year basically walking my mom through her divorce

Now you have to marry her.

She doesn't care about you and never did. She's just a worthless parasite who will be like that until the day she dies. A defective human, my mom is the same. Yes, you wasted your time. She'll probably go running back anyways and blame you for it.

nigga what am i reading? your mom wants you to find a woman, not shack up with her.

If she says so, then let it be

I understand that, i can't change her mind on anything, but now im at a total loss. i've built my life around this person and now im being told after all I went through, i was never going to be able to be an equal. I can't change that, but I dont know what to do with me.

it could be unideal if she wanted to do something beyond the two of you on her own in the future

I understand that, but it wasn't "hey, I would love to, but this is impractical and here's why" it's "I never wanted this in the first place, despite using you as my peer".

I feel led on and betrayed.

I would just learn to walk away from it.

im scared of what that'd do to me. I'm not ready to walk away, I don't have anything outside of this. My family is the reason I do anything, and to just abandon it all is counter to my being.

this lmao

op, what the fuck are you doing? you are literally oedipus and your mother is tired of your annoying complex. she wants you to leave her alone.

nigga what am i reading? your mom wants you to find a woman, not shack up with her.

you are literally oedipus and your mother is tired of your annoying complex. she wants you to leave her alone.

why the fuck did she rope me into all this if she didn't want this? why was it my burden for all those years if she didn't want me to act like this? Is it so evil to want something back after all I put in?

im scared of what that'd do to me. I'm not ready to walk away, I don't have anything outside of this. My family is the reason I do anything, and to just abandon it all is counter to my being.

YOUR MOTHER NEVER LOVED YOU, FAGGOT. She chose to expose you to a terrible home environment and did nothing as her child got abused by their dad. More precisely...you were never even a consideration or even a thought in her mind...because she never, ever cared about you. Had your dad been a little more abusive, you would have literally ended up as that 6-year-old kid with a single mom who got tortured and boiled alive and died screaming and crying, and she wouldn't care, she would have sucked his cock and moved on the day after.

Wake the fuck up and grow a spine. I'm sorry, although it hurts you need to accept the fact that your mother doesn't and never loved you. It might be hard for you to comprehend since you probably have never felt love and have no idea what it's supposed to be like. And unfortunately people don't change at her change, she's gonna be like that until the day she dies. Grow up, let the hate flow through you and move on.

i was never going to be able to be an equal

As sad as it is to realize, it was inevitable because you are different people, specifically parent and child. I believe it is an inherent property of being in that relationship that will never allow you two to be equal. It's a matter of natural order, if I had to put it more succinctly.

"I never wanted this in the first place, despite using you as my peer"

Thank you for putting that more clearly. Though I can't know exactly how she is/was feeling, if she was just using you then it'd be kinda fucked up, but if she is just trying to get you to move on then it'd make sense (albeit harsh).

I feel led on and betrayed

I think it'd be best to view it as a catalyst for moving forward on your own now (not immediately of course, but over time).

I don't have anything outside of this

Now this brings me to the ultimate goal: you need to make your own. This is easier said than done, of course, but it is the long-term goal here. What I mean by "make your own" is you need to be able to move forward in the world and create a group of people (be it friends or family) that can appreciate each other more than your own family has done for you. It will involve a lot of pain in personal development to do it, but it is ultimately what needs to happen.

You have demonstrated a capacity to do good with how you have treated your mother and carried hardship for her. I think it is time for you to do it for yourself now. You can do it anon, I believe in you.

I think you have an Oedipus complex and are misreading what your mother wants of you.

I think you did the right thing whether she never loved you or not. It's simply time to make your own meaning in life now.

YOUR MOTHER NEVER LOVED YOU, FAGGOT.

I almost believe it with how much I think she's used me, which is what this amounts to, but at the same time I do not want to believe it.

I get into her about how she basically set idly by and let my dad do what she did and she'll go and whine to me about how hard it was and she was scared. I was the same man who attacked that man to save her, so it's rather insulting, but I don't think she understands or cares.

I just don't know how to feel about any of it.

if she was just using you then it'd be kinda fucked up, but if she is just trying to get you to move on then it'd make sense

i dont want her deciding for me what she wants, I would rather her tell me she doesn't want this for herself. She's only made bad decisions on my behalf and i don't trust her judgement if she is to subjugate me.

By telling me how "bad of an idea it'd be" for me to be with her, she's telling me what to do again, she's not treating me as an equal, maybe that's not possible, but then I have to hate her for just using me for all this time. I don't want to hate her, I don't have anything else.

you need to make your own

It's simply time to make your own meaning in life now.

I don't know what I am, who I am, or what this world is. I cannot relate to others, and most things don't feel real. Even conversations I have with my mom feel like they don't happen even if i know they did.

the only things that are clear to me are moments of violence and hostility, those make sense, but everything else doesn't.

I just don't know how to feel about any of it.

The emotions you should be feeling more is (righteous) anger, contempt and disgust.

The emotions you should be feeling less are shame, guilt and sadness.

I think you did the right thing anon. I was in a similar situation a while ago.
Your primary mistake is wanting to see your mother as an equal. She's not. She's an idiot who isn't capable of making good decisions, but she's still your mom and you obviously care about her. You're either going to have to take care of her as someone who depends on you or leave her to kick rocks, but don't treat her as an equal. Its only going to bring you suffering.

i dont want her deciding for me what she wants

She's only made bad decisions on my behalf and i don't trust her judgement

I actually think it is a decision for herself. She wants to be alone, by herself. She sounds like she needs a bit of space to process things by herself for a bit and while that may be hard to hear as someone who has been with her constantly for years as an adolenscent, I think it'd be better for both of you if you took the time to learn to be alone as well. You can still have each other, but it sounds like there is some degree of an attachment issue there, such that learning to be without them (temporarily) would be helpful for you to develop (and for her as well).

the only things that are clear to me are moments of violence and hostility, those make sense, but everything else doesn't.

Thats painful to hear anon. I think something like therapy would help you there. I'm the last guy to recommend a shrink, but I genuinely think they'd help you here (as long as you don't become reliant on drugs like SRIs or something).

christ said to give without expecting to recieve.

You're either going to have to take care of her as someone who depends on you or leave her to kick rocks

I can't take care of her alone, not without securing myself through her. I hoped that we would work together and I could take care of her with her on terms that are more respectful to me, but that's obviously not the case. That really only leads ditching her, and im not ready for that and haven't planned at all around that since I thought we could work it out together.

I actually think it is a decision for herself. She wants to be alone, by herself. She sounds like she needs a bit of space to process things by herself for a bit

I told her that she can tell me if she didn't think it'd work and we can split ways, but she acted like that wasn't what she wanted. I wanted her to just be honest, if she didn't want me around then whatever, I can't fix that, but I feel led on by it all.

I think something like therapy would help you there. I'm the last guy to recommend a shrink

I already talked to my mom about getting one since she has a therapist worth a damn now, but I'm on her insurance and still tethered to her. If im pushing her away, that's going to jeopardize things and im not in an financial position to pay for all that shit, especially since I took time off my life to help her.

then I should have never gave in the first place

Daddy issues

Never feeling good enough

Mommy issues

Feeling unlovable

what happens when you have both?

Women do not understand self sacrifice for anything but their children. By not doing everything she could FOR YOU she is already a failed mother and a failed woman. Their is nothing more vile in this world than parents who metaphorically cannibalize their children's lives for their own selfish sake.

Pushing you away may infact be the one good thing she has done for you. Break the chains anon, live your own life.

Never feeling good enough + feeling unlovable
Is that really that hard to understand? It's not like they contradict each other

Usually the more severe version of whatever mental illness you developed in order to cope. So instead of just mild anxiety it'll be full blown BPD or Malignant narcissism.

That and also a chronic distrust of all people, see CPTSD symptoms

Pretty much. If the people who you were supposed to care for you and love you unconditionally as a baby couldn't why would anyone else in the world care about you or love you when you are an adult?

well the answer is they dont. this world is awful and evil and basically no one will do by you through it all.

I think you should actually beat her. Tell her she's moving in with you then slap her. Every time she tries to speak slap her until she gives you a moment to tell her she's moving in with you. Don't let her interrupt you.

do you think I should hate my mother? I'm not saying that as a dig, i really want to know. would it be healthy for me to hate my mother?

Anonymous strangers on the internet love me

Do you hate a rusty nail poking through your boot or do you just want it to stop stabbing you in the foot?

Hatred is irrelevant. I hate going to the dentist but I still go because it's good for my teeth. I love candy but I don't eat it all the time because it will give me cavities.

Don't think of things in terms of love and hate. Think of things in terms of "Is this good for me? Is this bad for me?" And act accordingly.

Me too anon...how is it that I feel more solidarity with random fuckers online than I ever felt for the demons wearing skinmask that permeate most of the surface of this world? I guess birds of a feather do go together...

Yeah, never help a woman. Ever. Unless you're getting pussy or money out of it -- never help a woman. They will always be ungrateful and won't ever admit to being wrong about anything, like their refusal to get help or get out of a bad situation. If you get them out of it -- they'll feel indebted, which they don't like feeling and will make some bullshit excuse to screw you over and back stab you so they don't owe someone something.

Helping my mother or being expected to is what lead my life to complete and utter ruin. Lesson learned though.

For me, I think it is the feeling of being able to be myself and feel okay. There are a like minded people here and I feel a great kinship for my anonymous friend. IRL people are the enemy.

she would dump on me as I was a kid, eventually felt the obligation to save her

spending hours consoling her, guiding her, draining myself and not focusing on work for her sake

I've had similar experience with my mom under vastly different circumstances. The moment you become responsible for your mother's emotional well-being is a point of no return, the parent/child role will always be twisted in your mind.

should i have a conversation with my mom about distancing myself from her or should i just start doing it, after thinking on it, reading this thread, and talking to people i think i have to get the fuck away from her.

I dont know how she'll react, I still feel as though I have been used by her, I don't think she'll care at all that I feel that way, but i could be wrong.

Checked.
Just do it. Just distance yourself from her. Let her use that fabled "emotional intelligence" women are supposed to have to figure out what's wrong. If you tell them somethings wrong, you'll get backfired on and told "nuh uh you are wrong, not me."

Let her use that fabled "emotional intelligence" women are supposed to have to figure out what's wrong

I hate to do things based on pure misogyny but she also justified to me that it was okay for her to let my dad abuse us because she was a woman and she's supposed to be weak.

the more i think about her and the things she said, the more disgusted i get

That's normal and a positive feeling. She's dragging your life down and you get zero reward for it.

that it was okay for her to let my dad abuse us because she was a woman and she's supposed to be weak.

Typical female responsibility dodge for being too much of a coward and too lazy to take any positive action. This goes against their STRONK INDAPANDENT WAHMEN meme they want us to believe too. She knows she was just being a lazy coward and wouldn't stand up, she was getting rough sex too and that's all that matters to those used up hags.

takes woman away from her abuse chad

expects it to go well

its what she wanted anon, she wanted to get mercilessly abused in an inch of her life and she wanted to see you hurt, it's why she stayed.

you can always tell their intentions by behaviors, if she really wanted out, she would have left.

Forsooth. Women WANT TO BE in those relationships.
The get "the ick" and leave their husband and kids because they're bored... but never leave the guy physically destroying them. If they can get the ick for a good partner, how come they don't get the ick for a bad one?

talked to my mom again and she freaked out, said she shouldn't have ever been honest to me about how she feels, accused me of hating her guts because, wanted to go out to my dad's house to harass him (i stopped her), and then left the home for a bit to go cry by the river

I swear I have a BPD mom and a narcissist dad, im am the epitome of r9k

accused me of hating her guts because

*because I said that she didn't do enough to protect me as a child

and i told her it was disgusting that she thought it was okay to not do anything just because she was a woman.